holy guacamole.

During a leisurely drive to Mikelle’s house on Friday, Ashley and I schemed up a dream party guest list.  Well, more like MY guest list, because Ash gets to have her own party too, and maybe she’ll document it also.  I think Band of Horses will be there, if that’s your thing.

So here it goes. If any of you (on this list) think you might want to party with me too, give me a call.

-Nate Ruess

– all of Augustana (+ Eloise)

-Adam Duritz

– Adam Schlesinger

– Andy Samberg & Justin Timberlake (have to come as a pair, sorry guys)

– Vanessa Carlton

– Seth Rogen, Jason Segel, Judd Apatow (+ Leslie, Maude, and Iris), and Paul Rudd (+ Jack)

-Chris Carrabba

– Adam Levine

– all of Panic at the Disco

– Conan O’Brien (+Neve and Beckett)

– Kristen Wiig and Tina Fey

– Stephen Colbert & Jon Stewart

– Lauren Graham

– all of Weezer

and last but not least ALL the Bond Girls (no not James Bond girls), and my new bests from school.

Should be a pretty good time. Make sure you RSVP.

This is the second best idea that we've ever had.

“Christ’s blood, shed just for you.”

A woman said this to me tonight, while I dipped a piece of bread into a wine glass she was holding.  It took nearly every muscle in my body to keep from letting out a sob the very moment she whispered.  I wasn’t even that into it when I got in line.  I was mostly just having selfish, guilty thoughts about my own preoccupation, when I should have been “into it”.  But those six words gutted me.  I went back and sat down in the row I had all to myself.

He talked about how we contaminate ourselves on our own, by reaching for dirty water when we’re thirsty.  Just like in third world countries.  We invite death into our bodies, because of an innocent desire.

“But the harder I try, the more clearly can I feel the depth of our fall, and the weight of it all.”

This is exactly how I feel.  As soon as I think I’ve broken down one barrier, there’s twelve more that are even bigger.  It starts to feel hopeless, like I’m never going to get this right.  We’re supposed to feel blessed that we’re presented a journey, and not just stripped to the bone to look more like Him.  I want to feel grateful for these trials.  I really, really do.  Or else I’m afraid I’ll start to drink dirty water again.

We used poisonous gases, and poisoned their asses.

The distant future. The year 2000.

Some are a melody, some are the beat.

it's a wild world

Theme song of the day, definitely.

I looked around the room tonight at 8 young women smiling and laughing. I was one of them.  I couldn’t help but think, this will happen 8 more times, even to me.  Each one of us will find someone to link fingers with and open wedding gifts.  We’ll introduce him to the other 9, whichever ones can make it.  And then swap stories of embarassing memories and inside jokes, that he either will or won’t understand, but we won’t really mind.  And then pretty soon, we’ll all just… be.

I hope all of them find someone that makes them feel so natural and comfortable.  I hope he accepts their quirks and endears their flaws.  I hope they’re proud to bring him back here and guide him around their past, their roots, their beginning. 

I knew it wouldn’t stay that way forever, I just didn’t know five years would feel like five minutes. 

Does he feel like that right now too?

free.

This girl had me dancin’ around my bedroom this morning with a big smile, before 8 am. Believe you me- that is some feat.

http://www.francescamusic.com

I guess my favorite thing about her songs is that she’s not afraid to talk about being flawed. We’re human, we are profoundly imperfect.  It feels like my own thoughts put to music. It pains me that I can’ t do it on my own, but I’m grateful for her talents, and those of people like her.

I absolutely love finding strong women followers to look up to, eventhough she is practically the exact same age as me.  She is living the life I often dream about. Moving to Nashville with just a guitar and a heart to praise and trust.  But that’s okay, because she’s following her path, and I’m trying to follow mine.  For now I’ll just benefit from her spirit and His, and try to share it as well as I can.

“At twenty years of age I’m still looking for a dream
A war’s already waged for my destiny
But You’ve already won the battle
And You’ve got great plans for me
Though I can’t always see”

cover me.

well you could be a part time model

So I haven’t listened to this album in, let’s see, probably 3 months, but ironically there are a few lines that jumped out at me today that summarize how I’ve been feeling for the past three months, and I wanted to record them somewhere before I forgot.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

“This is the time in my life where everything is falling apart, but at the same time it’s all coming together.”

“All my innocence was wasted on dead end dreaming.”

“Especially at night, I worry over situations I know will be alright. Perahaps its just my imagination.”

“If I needed you would you come to me, would you come to me, and ease my pain?
If you needed me, I would come to you. I’d swim the seas to ease your pain.”

“If you never say your name out loud to anyone, they can never ever call you by it.”

I need a reason to let go. An intervention, a lullaby. Something to cure me, please believe me.

yes, that is me. to see more brilliant photography by my brilliant friend lydia, check out : http://www.flickr.com/photos/lydiabullockphoto

I choose my company by the beating of their hearts, not the swelling of their heads.

Forgiveness = accepting the fact that the past can’t be any different.

Well then I guess I have’t accepted that yet. I’d like to say I’ve been trying really hard, but that’s not true. The truth is, however, I feel awful about it all, what’s happened to her, for as long as I’ve known her. And the fact that it just keeps on happening, makes it even worse.  We’ve all said (and keep saying) “I’d like to be a stable force for her.”  Yeah well I tried that, we all tried that, and the darkest, most intolerant piece of my heart refuses to try it again.

This is all dizzying to think about for longer than ten minutes.  I had no idea how overpowering I’d let my expectations become for that night, and now they’ve all seemed to be squashed and ruined.

It’s really  never going to be the same again, is it?   Our lives have all spun out in so many different directions, and I think I’m going to have to stop daydreaming that eventually they’ll intersect again.  You’d think I would have dealt with this all by now, it’s been like this for what, almost two years now?   I just really didn’t know how important it felt, until tonight.

Today I:

..made 1 dress

..listened to my man for 2 hours

..ate 3 french bread rolls

..spent 4 hours in my room watching TV with Cait

I’m on a sewing kick right now.  It’s so nice to make things without any pressure of criticism or technique. I think I’m just going to keep working as much as I can until I burn out again. Either way, it’s a lot more satisfying than a temporary high from a bargain buy.  I should be trying a lot harder to find a real job right now, but I think I’m a little scared of having to give up all of my time to something I hate again.  I’m terrible at servicing my own creativity and real world priorities at the same time.  I’m just sort of addicted to feeling rested right now, and some part of me is prepared to fight to the death anything that will try to take that away.

But until then, there’s always photobooth…

You can't surprise any good advice.

A watched pot never boils…

What a long day! But definitely a great one.

All in one day:

– millions of people celebrated the Conquerer of death

– I spent the day with people I love.

– I sang a lot of awesome songs

– Ashley got a surprise (heh heh)

– my patience was rewarded

There are so many things to look forward to right now! Danielle’s reception, birthday parties, and concerts (finally, I’ve been going through withdrawal).  I owe it all to the One and Only.  I’m so grateful for days like today that reignite and refocus my promises to Him. He is good to me, and I don’t deserve it.

“On that beautiful, scandalous night

you and me

were atoned by his blood,

and forever washed white.

On that beautiful scandalous night.”

Learn the words, and sing together.